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before 10 mins ago, that when you are hungry after dinner all you have to do is put some cheddar cheese in a tortilla and heat it on a pan and dip it in salsa and then boom you’re not hungry and what’s more you’ve eaten something warm and cheesy and delicious??? Why had no one told me that??
If mother earth only knew how much we
loved one another she would creak, shudder,
and split like a macheted melon, releasing
the fiery ball of molten hope at her core.
"Hoffnung," Amy Gerstler
Hi we drank a bottle of wine and watched music videos last night and this is what it looked like
soon provides me with an opportunity to “rent the runway” because WHAT A BRILLIANT BUSINESS IDEA
Successful, attractive father of two
But whenever big life changes happen I become very conscious of how I’m feeling at any given moment, which I guess is a consequence of reality suddenly becoming more fragile. It’s like a constant awareness of the fact that I have toes or something, just feeling them there at the end of my feet, wiggling them around, ah, yes, there’s five on each foot still! I keep subconsciously assessing my mood and my anxiety and general level of contentment, which is in itself anxiety-inducing — “Do I feel okay? Only kind of? Why? What’s wrong with me?”
All this “taking stock” of my feelings is exhausting, and somehow, for all the time I spend worrying about it I still don’t think I actually know how I feel. So I’m going to consciously attempt to stop thinking about it. I should think more about things outside of myself, anyway, things that are happening to people far away and have no bearing on me except as a result of a sense of shared humanity.
I keep reading things on the subway that make me want to cry, like this book about a very sad 12-year old with an insane mother and an alcoholic father (and it is a book for other 12-year olds! goodness!) and of course The Interestings and Maureen Johnson’s 9/11 essay that she wrote in 2011 but I just somehow found the other day. It would be so, very embarrassing to cry on the subway because of something I was reading. "It’s just so sad!" I would say between sobs to anyone who might be looking at me uncomfortably. "Life can be so sad!"
Tonight was my second night in the city when I tried to go somewhere but didn’t do enough research beforehand, so when I showed up everything was all wrong. Tonight in particular I tried to go to a coffee shop I had read about, one with great coffee and a grand piano and plentiful outlets, but when I arrived I saw a sign that said “no laptops after 5 p.m.” It was too dark in there to read my book, so I angrily left for a pretty dirty Starbucks with significantly less hip clientele — but as I stay here and keep writing and looking at the people around me (mailman, old guy in a sweatshirt and cowboy hat, teenager) with warmth, my dark mood dissipates. Which could be some sort of metaphor for being here at this point in my life right now, except for I don’t know if my mood in general is dark or not, even though I can’t stop worrying that maybe it is!!!
and start to be grateful. “Lucky” is a gesture that ends in mid-air, a flip little shrug of the wrist. The palm of luck is empty. Luck ends with you, and isn’t yours to give, or even return.
Gratitude however is an extending emotion, it’s a state. There is no state of luck—only a…
The only vegetables I’ve eaten this weekend have been battered and fried/pizza toppings.